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If the cat climbs into a house guestâs lap, I like to freeze and whisper, âAre you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.â
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks Iâm a Mario Brother for a living.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogsâ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another characterâs idea, itâs really just the author praising their own idea.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I know everyoneâs like âthe only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heartâ but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Thereâs a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write âcan we please stop talking about thisâ with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Iâm so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I donât know if Iâm supposed to say THAT here.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
You can tell a lot about people, you just donât need to.
iâm at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cherylâs artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets âmidâ
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I sure wish my boss would accept that ânew challengesâ are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My son gave me the ultimate Motherâs Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
Iâm so blessed.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
âm intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.