Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT