It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I did not eat the cake…
Someone just threatened to call me later
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
How it started How it’s going
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.