The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor