I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!