The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.