I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
this post was so formative to me
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.