I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”