Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what