SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*seductively eats two tums*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Peter Parker Peter Driver