OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
No Google it does not
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”