According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever