Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’m awake but I object,
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.