When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Chicken bread
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles