teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I told my vodka about you.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.