The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
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I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Not today, today.
Not today.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
how do y’all walk in shallow water
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