I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
tis the season
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.