“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
rise and shine we got egg
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites