Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Not all heroes wear capes…
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..