I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?