One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
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i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Potatoes were such a good idea
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead