[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
You Might Also Like
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.