Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Lucky old June.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird