BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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Bros before Ohioes
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
how much for the angry fruit?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My first child will be named New Folder.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
sliding into dms like
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?