My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
…u ok Nintendo?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.