If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
#merica
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail