I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…