for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
This dude got his own movie?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.