[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
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YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”