A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*