“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am