[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?