Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
You Might Also Like
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
can’t catch a break
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
what’s really going on
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.