I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
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The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”