Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.