my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!