What about a To-Don’t List?
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.