I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.