STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Aight bet
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good