Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime