The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.