The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
This forever.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.