[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
i really liked this one
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.