Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting