Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*bites zombie*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice