Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Every haunted house movie:
oh u like geography? name every lake
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
it must be school picture day
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.