“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr