I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
You Might Also Like
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Print is alive and well!!!