Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.