I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.